Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Death is hereditary.
***NEVER MESS UP AN APOLOGY WITH AN EXCUSE.***
One of life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 pounds.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear really tight shoes.
Sometimes I think I understand everything and then I regain consciousness.
I stopped jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pants on fire.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills…she has fourteen kids but she doesn’t care.
I know why women over fifty don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they put them.
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